Long ago, I freely shared information about one of my children with people. I was an open book. You asked me, I told. I did this, because I thought that most people would like having as much information as possible when dealing with a child with "differences".
Oh how young and naive....
Yes, people did like having the info. However, instead of this informing and increasing their patience and understanding, it informed them and they never looked at my child with unbiased eyes again. That was painful. Excruciating, actually. And maybe it's my Italian bloodline, or just a hard heart, but I don't like getting burned--at all.
Now, my child never has felt any pain from this, nor is it likely he ever will. He is truly beyond all of it. He sees people for who/what they are. It doesn't offend him personally if someone cannot give him a fair shot. He sees it all as a defect in the other party. And frankly, he is spot on.
I, being a lesser developed soul, have been absolutely heartbroken by such events. Which brings me to the title of this post. At this point--and believe me, it has been a journey and a half to get here--my son is what most people would condsider just "a bit odd". So I am regularly tortured with the dilemma of whether or not to explain his oddities or just move on, knowing that there is that looming question mark.
I've often thought of consulting friends, but most either know how far we've come and rejoice with us, or only know him as he is now, neither of which offer a truly independent opinion.
So, here I am left wondering...I think it is a state that I shall likely live in perpetually....
What would you do?
This is tough. There are times when shedding a little history about your child makes all the difference. But I struggle with it being their story to tell and sharing things they will one day wish I kept only for us to know. This would be so much easier if as adults we showed more grace than judgment.
ReplyDeleteI would vote on not telling. I think many people could be classified as "a bit odd" and very often there is not a known medical reason. It sounds like when you explain what you have been through, people start looking for differences. When really if they haven't been told, many people wouldn't even think he was odd. I personally just think he is a really cool kid, um, wow, teenageer now, huh?! I don't see a reason to keep it from your own close friends, because with the challenges you have been through it is a part of who you are. As far as sharing it with new friends just to enlighten them, I would say, no. That's my opinion. :)
ReplyDeletep.s. I really like what Julie said about it being their story too- I need to think more on that for my own situation.
Don't tell. It is his story.
ReplyDeleteWe are all gifts from God for all of us to treasure, foibles, oddities, and flat weirdnesses included. You don't owe total strangers or mere acquaintances any explanations. Your old friends share the history, the laughs, the tears, and the joys and sorrows.
I've always sort of been put off by people who meet you and then expect to know your life story just because you've shared a meal or an evening out. When the time is right to give backstory, you will know. Trust your gut. It never lies.
Wow! What a wealth of information and perspective! I agree, Julie. Especially at this age, it really is his life/story. And oh yes, if adults would extend more grace (something of which I am guilty myself) it would be a much different world for the different kids.
ReplyDeleteMalia, you're right, too. Sometimes, I don't make a clear enough distinction between tried and true friends and people who really don't care about us at all anyway.
Anon--I couldn't agree more. It is awkward when there is that "over sharing" early in an acquaintence. I'd hate to do that!
Thanks, I needed that.
Maybe this blog is worthwhile after all? ;-)
This blog worthwhile?! Absolutely! I miss hearing your not so common ideas and your sense of humor. :) This helps just a little bit.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Malia :-)
ReplyDelete